It is ironic to me how life can take you in certain directions, as if it was planned out by some mysterious mastermind, forcing you to conquer your biggest insecurities.
Growing up, I was very fearful and always thought that everyone knew better than I did. I never gave myself the credit I likely deserved. And because of that, my confidence and abilities grew slower than I would like to admit. Part of it was because people saw me struggling with school and simple tasks. I was diagnosed multiple times as a child and an adult, with ADD.
Some people had all good intentions, but instead of letting me learn, they just did things for me. Some people got frustrated with me.
I did poorly in school when I was younger. No one ever sat down with me and said, “You CAN do this! Let’s find a way!” It was too much effort for them.
I learned to deem myself as incapable and to rely on others way too much. It got to the point where I just stopped trying.
Fast forward to college, when my aunt (“second mom”) passed away. Meanwhile, I was in the throes of pre-diagnosed systemic lupus, which became nearly fatal. This lead to a burst of independence and a will to make it!
I had to do things for myself – simple AND very difficult things. And gradually I learned I always had this capability with which I had never been aware.
I got through my second try at nursing school with a 3.7 GPA, and shocked myself and those around me.
Now, I’m a nurse with less than a year of experience.
I am responsible for people’s lives and, sometimes it shocks me when people tell me I’m doing well. Sometimes when people tell me I’m a good nurse I get this self doubt. “Oh they’re only saying that to be nice.” But maybe they’re not? Maybe they see true potential in me?! Today I was told how calm I was through stressful events. “Me?! Calm?!” I thought. “But, that would mean I’m actually doing well!”
I find myself asking the charge nurses questions sometimes, and they give me answers that I had already answered to myself beforehand. That shows me that I already knew.
I already had good judgment, but I doubted myself, so I went to someone else to validate my insecurities.
No doubt I am still going to ask questions when it’s appropriate, but I think rather than ask things as if I don’t know the answers, maybe I should be speaking up and saying, “So, this is what I think. What do you think?” It’s time I start telling myself how capable I am. I’ve already proved it, but now it’s just a matter of chasing away that old voice in my head. The voice that tells me, “You’re wrong” and, “You can’t do it.”
Here’s to overcoming doubts and insecurities!
Here’s to learning! To passion! To never giving up!
To trusting oneself and giving credit when one truly deserves it!
Story by K. Lynne.
Lynne is a Licensed Nurse who resides on the East Coast in the United States. She is also a standup comedian, video gamer and musician. She is widely known on social media for her videos and blogs on health, wellness, music and comedy. She thrives on bringing happiness to others, on stage, through videos and blogs, and to her patients.
Lynne is currently continuing her nursing education, and her ultimate goal is to become a Hospice Certified Nurse Practitioner. Read more here.